It's 10:47. I just got home from the gym, where I stealth-poured a gallon of water on the rocks in the sauna to make the dang thing hotter, and then pretended to know naught 'bout why 'twas haught. I think you're not supposed to fiddle with the thing, but it's often, like, just lukewarm, and I had all that whiskey I needed to sweat out...
Speaking of whiskey, I always regret writing about ME having FUN in this blog--the day after posting an entry about sunning or drinking or swimming, indulging in Yay It's Good To Be Me hedonistic activities, I'll read an article about Chinese kids being beaten to death in internet addiction camps and I'll be, like, Jesus, can I get more preoccupied with stupid self-centered stuff? WHO CARES ABOUT ME HAVING FUN?? IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!!
I know it's good to relax, and I think it's fine to talk about how much fun one's having every once in a while, but it can be sobering to read about a fourteen-year-old boy named Deng who died within a day of his stay at an internet addiction camp, having been beaten by the guards, and knowing his story is just one of many: of many other abused kids in China, of many other abused kids--people--worldwide. It can be sobering, and it can make one mad at oneself for indulging in silliness and braying about that to the world, as if it were important...
So: business time. Today, mere MONTHS after promising to never again put Malko in standard bad-for-the-environment diapers, I bought reusable diaper covers with compostable liners and 100% Natural and Compostable Chemical Free Fragrance Free Chlorine Free Baby Wipes Made From Plants Not Oil! The diaper covers are cloth, in brown and tan (they come in other colors), and when I put the whole shebang on Malko he looked so cute and comfy I wanted to try them on too. They weren't that expensive (the liners were the same price, more or less, as a package of dipes) and I'm really glad because now I won't visualize mountain ranges of putrid rotting diapers every time I change Malky; of course, those mountain ranges will still be there--one year less, give or take, of one baby's dipes isn't going to make much of a difference--but I already feel less guilty, and totally stoked that these options actually exist! Yay, um..."Little G Pants" and "Elements" wipes! Way to go!
The diaper thing was really bothering me--I felt like I hadn't kept my word--and another thing's been bothering me too: back at the beginning of the year I said I wanted to make "giving" my theme--giving in the sense of giving myself, being available to people, being involved in their lives. I wanted to make up for not being a good enough family member and friend in the past; I wanted to become a giver.
I have to admit--it's unpleasant--that I've fallen far short of my standards, and frankly, despite a somewhat better record of email/phone communication, I still consider myself a not-so-great friend and family member. My biggest problem is timeliness: I tend to put off replying to people until very late, and sometimes by then I feel so bad I don't reply at all; although I'll try to encourage myself to reply by looking on the positive side, saying "a late email/phone call is better than none," the fact is, sometimes a late email/phone call just seems shitty. For all my apologies (I've started many, many communications with "I'm SO sorry this is so late"), the fact remains that often I don't make an effort to communicate faster, better--probably because I'm focused on other things. Like myself.
It's not totally awful--I've made some headway--but I know I can do a lot better, so I guess I'm going to just keep trying to make this year one I'm proud of. With two new babies (three, actually) in the family, I have plenty of opportunity to practice giving, and if I run out of little people who need mobiles and little books and clothes, there are lots of BIG people who might benefit from a dozen cookies or two...
Watch out! Watch out for the Cookie Express!
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