RUFFLED FEATHERS: MY LIFE AS A TURKEY

Your life as a what?

A turkey, you know--a big fowl. Gobble gobble?

Oh yes! Right. I see the resemblance.

Thanks. I'll look even more like one tomorrow, when I have stuffing stuck to my face. Right now it's more metaphorical, I guess.

Oh? You feel like a metaphorical turkey?

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Um, I think you have your birds mixed up.

At this point it doesn't matter. It's all about the pea-sized brain, really. Ok, and the ruffled pinions.

Why are your pinions ruffled? I thought things were going swimmingly, despite the "unusual circumstances"!

As swimmingly as swimming through a boatload of gravy. Last night it hit me that I'd been carrying my will around in my back pocket for the last few days. What the?

You've really been identifying with that turkey, I guess! Did the will mention what you'd like done with your gizzard?

No, it just talked about Lula and Malko.

I see. As in, what should happen to the little chicks if...?

Yes.

Ok. Ok. Listen, you big dumb fowl. YOU ARE NOT DYING. No one is going to eat you for Thanksgiving! You're in perfect health, and even if you were on the menu you'd make for a disappointing meal. Kind of stringy, you know? Probably bony, too.

Thanks. This is comforting.

You're welcome. Frankly, I don't know why you thought anyone would find you appetizing. Those knees! Ha ha!

Right, I get it. So, if I wouldn't taste like a turkey, why do I feel like one?

Hm...maybe because you begged all these people to come visit you in Costa Rica for New Year's, and now it turns out you might not be there yourself? Maybe, especially, because your sister Nuria and her boyfriend Oliver went ahead and bought plane tickets? And you had to tell her you might not be there after all? Given those things, I can definitely understand why you feel like a turkey.

Yeah, even though Nuria was more than gracious and understanding, it's a crappy situation at best. Actually wishing someone would just throw me in a baking dish and get it over with.

Some people might find that statement alarming. I think you're just being dramatic, and in a few hours you're going to be all "oh, everything's fine!" again. So...you might as well just can it.

Canned turkey? Sounds great! I'll get started as soon as I finish plucking these feathers off my knees...