Sunday, February 8, 2009

All weekend I've been fiddling around with the HTML of my test blog, which I created a few weeks ago to practice adding images and changing layout and whatnot, and now, at 8:17 on Sunday night, I'm thoroughly muddled.

Not long ago, I thought "HTML" stood for "hotmail"; now I know it stands for Hogs Traipse Mindlessly Low. Which makes no sense--which, in fact, makes perfect sense, because it's HTML lingo. Codespeak. Spacetalk. Stuff normal humans are not meant to meddle with. Stuff that, if meddled with by normal humans, will result in their no longer being normal. Will result in their brains being kind of extra-freaky. And, by the way, kind of >. To say nothing of TEXT WRAP! div; 0px auto. Definitely 0px auto.

I'm obsessed with my blog. Since last June, when I--I mean Ronia--started it, it's had the pull of a 150-pound magnet on parts of me that were either dormant or just didn't exist. I was never very computer-y before, in fact I was even proud to call myself a luddite, but now that's changed. All I want to do now is sit down at the computer and spend 18 hours straight learning how to enlarge margins.

Part of me thinks all this is adding up to a huge waste of time. Where is this blog going, exactly? What do I hope to achieve with it? How can I justify all the hours I've spent on it--all the time that hasn't yielded that much, from the look of it? And that's where the other part of me jumps in, the part of me that likes nothing more than to spend an entire weekend cooped up in the house, free to worry this blog till I've reduced it to shreds. The part of me that says I Can Do This. I WILL Do This.

Do what, my dear little obsessor?

Make something of this blog. Make something of myself.

Oh, golly! We have dreams! And what, exactly, do you mean by "make something of myself"?

I started to say "I don't really know," but that's a lie--I do know. I want to succeed. I want recognition. I want to be the best--the best blogger, the best writer, the best artist.

Well, your saying these things doesn't make me feel very warm and cozy towards you. Why do you have to be better than everyone else? Why so competitive?

I know, it's not something I'm proud of. But that's me--that's the way I am. I guess it's based in some insecurity, some need to prove to myself that I am special--whatever. Who cares. What it comes down to is I'm not going to change. I'm going to keep trying to "make something" of myself.

It sounds so pathetic.

I know.

I thought you were into helping other people? Making them feel like they're not alone in their problems?

I am, it's true. But I have to admit that right now, I just want to create a killer-motherflyswallowing* blog. I want it to be beautiful and interesting and different and fun, unique and moving and timeless and perfect.

Well, good luck. You've got a ways to go.

I know. Believe me--I know.

*euphemism for rather tired/annoying "fruitcaking"


prehistoric said...

Methinks thou truly soundeth like an Artiste!

prehistoric said...

Methinks thou truly soundeth like an Artiste!

prehistoric said...

hey gorilla girl--
methinks youve got the classic conflict between being self-LESS & self-ISH---
a similar affliction to which i too prescribe!!!
let me know which side wins out!!!!

Anonymous said...

whats the big dealio about wanting something good for yourself? i think you deserve to be the biggest baddest blog in town and hey , if you have to scramble over some smaller weaker bloggers to get there then so be it, survival of the fittest baby!

Noopette said...

p.s. anonymous is meeeee

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