Sunday, January 25, 2009

This afternoon Joedy, Lula, and I went to run some errands, and while we were out we stopped at a coffee shop for some caffeine-fuelled revivification. The coffee shop was one of ten billion others just like it, and sitting there in that bland, stale, character-less place, surrounded on all sides by a sea of even more garish, ugly, stupid franchise stores, a gloom descended on me that didn't let up until I ate six brownies' worth of uncooked brownie batter.

We were in a part of Ventura we try to avoid, an endless strip mall littered with trash, congested with cars, and populated by far too many Middle Americans. The intense commercial feeling, the distinct dumbing down, and the overall offensiveness of the landscape made me feel, well, offended. It make me feel angry. It made me feel depressed that people, many many many people, are perfectly content with it, just like they're content spending their free time staring at a stupid box that fills their head with crap and robs them of their lives and just like they're content eating crap that fills them with crap and robs them of their lives.

Driving around that part of Ventura gives me the heebie-jeebies, and today it confirmed again that I--we--don't like Ventura all that much; it's an ok place, it's got some good things going for it, but no way in HELL do I--we--want to live here for a long time, no way in hell will we settle for less and settle down here. No thank you, no thank you very fruitcaking much!

The other part of my gloomy mood came from feeling lonely, isolated from friends and family (but mostly family). I know this is my--our--fault, we have chosen to live on the West Coast, in Southern California, where we don't have a lot of family, and that's the way it is for now. But I don't want to live like this much longer: it simply doesn't feel right. Time is moving quickly, and I want to be with the people I love.

So! We get to this fun question: where in the world should we live?

This question makes me want to shoot myself, because we've been thinking about it for so long, we've made so many resolutions around finding work and finding a home--a home we can settle down in happily for a long time--and gone back and radically revised our resolutions, that I feel completely at a loss.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to plan for, what to try for. So many things about California bother me; so many things about the East Coast, and anywhere else, daunt me. What's realistic? What's doable? Where can we live where we'll be close to family and where we'll be able to buy a home, find decent jobs, and truly enjoy our surroundings?

I'm in a tizzy with this whole thing, so I'm going to stop thinking about it for a while. What I'm going to think about instead is what colors we'd paint the awesome pre-fab recycled-materials home we'd build (with help, over a long weekend, from all our friends and family) on those four acres in that lovely rural area near that charming city by the sea...

And no, I don't mean Ventura.


packofchicklets said...

yeah, well...the grass is always greener, right. unfortunately there are ugly strip malls and ugly people and annoying co-workers and stupid bosses everywhere. i think that the big difference is closeness to family. the only problem being the endless, depressing and fruitcaking COLD winters in the east. but i think if i had a family (i.e. husband, kids)to keep me warm on an everyday level, I might think about moving back there. you WILL miss California, and second guess your decision every time a new snowfall covers the crocuses. BUT you'll remember why you did it every time you see your kids getting used to having grandparents and aunts and uncles and maybe even cousins in their immediate lives. there's my two cents.

Noopette said...

you know you have family on this coast lovely sister? maybe we can both make an effort too see each other more so that neither of us feel so isolated. i think that as much as geography is an issue, also the way we choose to live our lives and the priorities that our society set for us lead to the isolated lonely feeling. i feel it too and i live with my family!
anyway thats my three cents, lets get lunch

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