HAPPY FRUITCAKING BIRTHDAY

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Twinkle Arlington interviews Isabel on the first day of her 35th year on Planet Earth.

Twinkle Arlington: So, Isabobaroonie, I hear it's your special day! Feliz Compleanos! Many happy returns! May the saints go marching in!

Isabel: Um, thanks.

Twinkle: Watcha got planned? Anything fun? A trip to the spa, some shopping at the mall, or maybe lunch with the g-friends?

Isabel: No, none of that. I'm not doing anything, actually. Just staying home, alone, in the quiet house.

Twinkle: Well geez! Sounds like fun. What are you, depressed? The ole' 35 gettin' to ya?

Isabel: No, I don't give a fuck about turning 35--

Twinkle: Whoa--watch the lingo! This is a public blog! Maybe from now on you can use the word "fruitcake" instead of...you know.

Isabel: Ok. I don't give a fruitcake about turning 35. I don't give a fruitcake about anything, actually.

(silence)

Twinkle: Hmmm...you know, I think I'm hearing a little anger in there. Or at least some pessimism. Are you feeling angry and/or pessimistic?

Isabel: No, I just don't give a fruitcaking fruitcake about my fruitcaking birthday.

Twinkle: Ok, let's switch gears. So--have you been reading about Gaza lately?

Isabel: Kind of, not really. It's too depressing.

Twinkle: Yes. All those kids.

Isabel: Yes.

Twinkle: Soooo...don't you think those kids would like to be turning 35 some day instead of, say, being blown up when they're 7?

Isabel: What's your point, exactly?

Twinkle: Oh, I don't know, it's just a random question. I don't really mean anything by it.

(silence)

Isabel: You think I'm an ingrate?

Twinkle: No! No, certainly not. You are SO not an ingrate. You are the paragon of non-ingrate-ness. You are so sweet, so charming, always a lovely gal, ALWAYS SO APPRECIATIVE of everything you have, such as your life, your health, your family, your friends, your animals, your motor vehicles, your gall bladder. (Breaks into song) You are dreeeaaammmy, always so dreeeaaammmmyy, you are--

Isabel: Ok, I get it. You think I should have a better birthday attitude.

Twinkle: Well, it wasn't very fucking nice of you--

Isabel: Whoa, watch the lingo!

Twinkle: Yeah, I mean, it wasn't very fruitcaking nice of you to say "whatever" when your husband told you "happy birthday" this morning.

Isabel: Oh right--that. Well, I was up till 2 a.m. with pregnancy insomnia, and then I asked him to take Lula to school so I could sleep in--

Twinkle: Dude, I don't care. Get over it. You can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?

Isabel: Well, god!! Thanks a lot! I thought this was supposed to be, like, an interview where you say good things about me.

Twinkle: I did. But you also get on my nerves. I find that you have a little too much fruitcaking attitude these days. I find you just a little bit insufferable. And yes, I think you take things for granted. Like the fact that you're turning 35. I mean, grow up and get out of yourself, you know? Be happy for what you have, be grateful, get over your nihilistic silliness. And you know what else? Show some appreciation for all the phone calls and emails you got today. People love you, and YOU ARE LUCKY.

(silence)

Isabel: Fine then. I'll be happy. I'll blow out the candles and all that, I'll be more sociable and appreciative.

Twinkle: Good. And try to remember, this year, it's not all about YOU.

Isabel: You got it, Twinkiecakes.

5 comments:

micaela.pelao said...

fruitcaking awesome!

micaela.pelao said...

you're a GOOD birthday gorilla...

packofchicklets said...

mmmmm fruitcake.

uncleremus said...

are you fruitcaking kidding me?????
in and of themselves, fruitcakes really suck!!!!
& besides...you need a REALLY big one to put 35 candles on!!!!!
you know, it only gets worse as the numbers get bigger, until you get to that magical number where you just dont give a flying fruitcake anymore!!!!
so hang in there gorilla-girl!!!
people love you & think youre pretty cool!!!!!

packofchicklets said...

cool? she's downright freezing! brrrr. yes, fruitcakes are actually disgusting. candied prunes? no thank you!

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