I spent most of last night worrying about all the shit I need to do and haven't done--finish the children's book(s), make a crapload of jewelry, make the jewelry website, get the jewelry in stores, make mobiles, pimp the mobiles--and by 10 a.m. I was just, like, FUCK IT.
FUCK. IT.
I decided to have a day of saying fuck it, because it felt GOOD to say fuck it, so that's what I'm doing. If anyone reading this is uncomfortable with swearing, please don't read any more--I'm not holding back. (In fact, I swear all the fucking time in my fucking head, so this is just me, being normal.)
Amidst my thoughts of telling all my stupid projects to get out of my life once and for all, just go jump off a steep bridge, you dumb, stupid, disgusting projects, I realized I could probably scale down here and there so everything wouldn't be so fucking overwhelming. For one thing, I can eliminate the jewelry website task, at least temporarily, because just having stuff made and in stores would be great--also,
...what is the also? I don't know what the fucking also was. I DO know that I decided NOT to enter the local paper's short story contest, contrary to my earlier decision, because it's just too fucking much, but then Joedy told me I should use this particular blog entry he really likes, which to me sounds like a bad imitation of Hemingway, but...who knows. I don't know.
I know I'm not scoring points with the Positive Attitude People but this feeling of creative goals depression was really fucking acute last night/this morning and it still kind of is. I mean--here's where the complaining ratchets up into kind of really annoying--what's the fucking point, really? What's the point of me pushing myself to make some silly pearl earrings or a book about a 6-year-old bug? In the long run, what's it going to matter whether I do any of this or not?
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY!!!
That was obnoxious, I know. So "nihilistic" and "deep" I want to THROW UP (please note the Christmas colors). But, really, it's the way I was feeling last night. And though I talked myself out of that frame of mind with the "you need money so you can pay for your kids' college/pay back your parents for that student loan etc/rent yourself a nice room in a nursing home thirty years from now" argument, it's still kind of there. I mean, sometimes things just seem so...fucking futile.
It hasn't ALL been doom and gloom around here!* Yesterday, while lying down with Malko, trying to take a nap, I had the interesting experience of having my nose snaked by someone else's finger. I'd close my eyes, start to drift, and then, like he'd been waiting for me to fall asleep, Malko would stick his finger in my nostril and slide it up in a TOTALLY strategized way.
He did this maybe five times--enough to make it clear that my nose is a great source of adventure and fun. Which I already knew, actually, but...you know--it's nice to be appreciated!
In related bodily humor news, this morning, while Joedy was talking to his business partner on the phone in the bathroom, Malko walked in, summed up the situation, and yelled "PAPA! CACA!"
Very loudly. Practically in the phone.
Ok! Bad Mood Isabob is feeling better now. Guess I better go do some
fucking
creative
stuff!
*"Happy ending" so readers won't feel depressed
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6 comments:
the reasons for creating stuff have nothing to do with if they've been done before or if they'll mean anything to anyone else when you're gone. they only have to do with making your life more enjoyable RIGHT NOW. so i say, scale down. don't push yourself so much in so many directions. just pick a couple of things to focus on and try to enjoy the process. don't think ahead and how you HAVE to accomplish this or REALLY should do that. because you really don't. all you really have to do is be satisfied with what small enjoyable step you may have made that day. and then watch them add up. that's my 2 cents...
Dear Greer McP:
Thanks--I appreciated your words this afternoon...they kind of set me in the right place. I think scaling down is a good idea, as is focusing on the enjoyment factor.
I want to do lots of stuff but I know it's not all that realistic...
Although I am totally still willing to make you some hammer pants!
Greer McP, you're the balm (cherry-flavored)!!
XOXO One Saggy Settler
I second Cassie's 2 cents, which should make 4, and as my old and ex-friend David used to say, "Every penny saved is a drop in the bucket."
Wise words, Cassie.
Now, how 'bout reading MY blog.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
one of the BEST words in any language!!!
so satisfying!!!
rajmb,
Thanks, and thanks for the kick in the pants to remind me to read your blog! I think I could often use a reminder to pay more attention to/focus on OTHER people--somehow, that seems to make things work out in the best possible way.
And yes, of course Cassie's right...as always!
Uncleremus,
What is it about the word that makes it so satisfying?! It's just so...fucking heavenly.
Hey R! I AM reading your blog! There's a lot in there and I'm starting from the beginning- and it's really hard to read a book on a computer screen! So far I love it- getting to know you in a whole different way and seeing where Iz gets her writing genes from :)
Iz- Glad i helped! now, about those hammer pants...
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