CALL ME HUMPTY

Dumpty, that is. As in, one whose main body area is in the shape of an oversized egg, with arms and legs sticking out of it. And with something like a head stuck on top, although the head doesn't always work very well--most of the time, it's just there for effect.

Humpty's head isn't working well tonight because Humpty fell yesterday. He fell off a wall and crashed to the floor in his boss's office. He lay there, writhing and crying like a baby, for what seemed like a very long time.

His boss saw him cry, a lot. It was embarrassing. Humpty flailed around for some of his broken pieces and tried to put them back together, but all he really wanted to do was get the hell out of his boss's office. He didn't have much dignity left, so he stuck the pieces together any old way and left looking and feeling all mismatched.

When work was over Humpty went to McDonald's and ate an order of medium fries with four packets of salt. Then he drove home. He took a shower and waxed 2/3 of his legs (he left the tops of the thighs for later). He went to bed. He wrote in his blog until very late. He posted the entry and then changed his mind because it was a stupid, depressing entry. After sleeping for 3 hours he woke up feeling very unhappy about having to go to work in 4 hours. The thought of having to get up and go to work made him want to cry, and he did. He cried a lot, way more than he had in his boss's office; he completely lost control of himself. The cat meowed in its obnoxious way and Humpty screamed at it to shut up.

Humpty's husband was concerned. He got his cell phone and tried to show Humpty its calendar, explaining that with strategically placed vacations the time until maternity leave wouldn't seem long at all. But Humpty didn't want to hear it; Humpty just wanted to cry.

Humpty's pieces are still a little mismatched and his head still hurts. But he's in bed and he feels loved by his loved ones, and he knows he's not going to be Humpty forever.